The older I grow the more the idea of love in itself feels like a fluke to me.
Let me explain to you what I thought love was.
I thought love was the ability to helplessly care so much about someone that you are unable to do anything that will remotely hurt them. Anything that will make them unhappy was out of the question even if that thing made you happy.
I used to think your happiness wasn’t a thing when you are in love because your happiness is when the other person is happy. Of course in a healthy balance and context.
Love could not be toxic.
However, the older I grow, the more I realize that’s not it. That I must have been in Lala-Land.
And I wasn’t naive thinking of that as an answer all my life, it’s because I expect the same depth from the other person. So it means if I’m not concerned about my happiness, then you have me covered just like I have yours.
And that’s not always the case.
For context, I’m not speaking only on romantic love. All types of love. Family. Friends inclusive.
It just seems that everything is now so transactional. So transactional that you cannot really love hard without thinking you are going to be taken advantage of.
This post is probably me just thinking back at relationships and wishing I can love as hard as I want to without being “used” or “played” or left hanging.
Some people don’t even play or use you, they just never reciprocate. They enjoy taking what you give but can’t be bothered with reciprocating with the same intensity even when they can.
They speak of how they love how you love them, but never pushing to love you just as much.
Maybe I’m just too much of a lover girl but it’s beginning to look like my idea of love is either a fluke or an obsession I need to drop.
Like we will say when we don’t know what to say; IT IS WELL.